Measuring up

Shifting the way we evaluate ourselves and growing the capacity to be fully alive.

I'm going to tell you something that will make you think less of me.

I watch the Kardashians.

As shamefully horrifying as it is for me to admit this out loud, it's really good numbing when I want to untether from reality. I love getting completely lost in their over-extravagant, materialistic, totally unrealistic levels of living. It must be the diva in me.

Early on in my career, that same diva was traveling a lot to speak. I worked my way up to big cities and big stages and was always surprised about how empty I felt when I was done. I was so invested in hustling to become something. To become someone. I thought it was being liked. Popular. I was missing out on all the life things at home. Birthdays. Before-bed-time conversations. School drop-off. Other things I won’t get back.

I hadn’t yet worked out what was important to me. I thought speaking was going to help me get “discovered” so I would finally be seen. I thought someone was going to rescue me. I thought something was going to lift me up into the success and satisfaction I longed for.

I've since learned that the someone I’ve been looking for is me.
I've since learned that the something I’ve been waiting for is increasing my own capacity for expansion.

I have lots of friends who are in the middle of big transitions. Roles and sandboxes they've outgrown. It's in their "quitting" and my witnessing as they work out what’s important to them that I've been sitting with what Emily McDowell has shared about success:

"But what if, instead of a line that goes perpetually up and to the right, with the goal of reaching a future point of “success,” the point of being alive is expansion? What if another, more accurate definition of success is the process of broadening our experiences, growing in different directions, deepening our understanding of ourselves and the collective, gathering new information, and adjusting our decisions accordingly as we go?”

Credit: Emily McDowell — Subject to Change

The intention behind all of my speaking engagements — and really, running my first company — was absolutely about charting progress. It wasn’t ever for me. It was all about trying to prove myself to whoever and whatever was out there. Whatever formula was going to get me from A to B, I was here for it. I would do it. Speak more. Travel more. Work more. Hustle more. Sacrifice more of me. It took so long for me to question: whose A to B formula is this? And when will more ever be enough?

I've spent nearly the last decade redesigning my life around expansion so I can feel more alive.

I’ve learned how to trade perfectionism for trusting myself. I’ve started to get better at discerning the difference between fear that requires courage, and the deception of comfort wrapped around self-sabotage. I’ve started to practice showing up for myself with self-compassion and feeling my way through pain. I’ve stopped the energy hemorrhaging of hustling.

Expansion doesn't measure from A to B. Expansion doesn’t bother with scarcity and lack. There is no missing out or measuring up or Kardashian conditioning. There's just letting more of my true self leak out of all of the meaningful experiences I'm having along my journey. The only path is slowing down. Taking a breath. Zooming out. Checking in with my energy. Listening to what I want. Trusting myself to make choices that are always in alignment with who I am.

I’ve also created a place in me that can handle expansion. What I’ve noticed is that it's one thing to bravely go after my dreams. The ones that really mean something to me. The ones that don’t leave me feeling empty when I'm in them. It's another entirely to know I’m fully worthy of receiving these dreams when they begin to come to fruition.

Just like the vulnerability required to feel joy rather than push it away by rehearsing catastrophic endings, expansion is a place inside us that has to be cultivated. Practiced. It's the place where I have grown the capacity to love myself. Where I can be held when I struggle and when I'm scared. Where I have the strength to heal something in me that's been left behind.

Sometimes I'm really hard on myself when I think about the times when I was living my life from A to B. But what I know to be true is I had to experience what it felt like to be in all of these places so that I could build my capacity for expansion.

Emory Hall puts it perfectly:

make peace

with all the women

you once were.

lay flowers

at their feet.


offer them incense

and honey

and forgiveness.


honor them

and give them

your silence.


listen.


bless them

and let them be.


for they are the bones

of the temple

you sit in now.


for they are

the rivers

of wisdom

leading you toward

the sea.

If I’m not careful, I can block myself from feeling and experiencing the joy and satisfaction of my expansion. My “success.” All of these women I once was — the ones who thought they had to prove themselves according to someone else’s bullshit standards; the ones who were afraid to question why they were so tired, scared, and sad; the ones who really needed help when they were hurt — still make an appearance as ghosts in my reactions as an adult.

I used to fight them when they showed up. But now I know they still have something to say in support of my expansion. They want to remind me of what they're afraid of. They're still measuring up using antiquated A to B logic, so I get to lovingly remind them of the woman I am now. What I’m capable of. That I can be trusted. That I’m in the process of unlearning all of this conditioning so I can be free.

I spend a lot of time tending to my capacity to experience expansion. And every day I'm practicing breaking the habit where I neglect to acknowledge that my life is so full in so many gorgeous ways. And it's OK to let that beauty in. It's everywhere. And I’m brave enough to feel it.

So I continue to practice putting down the A to B of measuring up. Instead I practice my capacity to experience expansion where:

I celebrate that I have the courage to be with myself and love myself through the hardest things.

I’m able to acknowledge that I’ve intentionally designed my life around health and well being, and the space, ease, connection, and meaning that I prioritize — and protect every day — is gold.

I am honoring the strength and courage I’ve had to break generational patterns in my family so my kids don't have to carry them.

I bravely allow myself to spend my energy and effort on work that is aligned with who I am and exactly the impact I want to have in the world.

I applaud my ability to know and feel my beauty, mastery, and power in my bones. My ability to continuously show up for myself so I can always find the ground underneath my feet. Where I am brave about receiving what I have created in my life.

For me, this is success. This is expansion.

How are you measuring up? What are you measuring? Do those things matter to you? What gifts or learnings have come from the women (or human) you once were? What would you like to tell them about who you are now?

“What if, the point of being alive is expansion?”

And if that’s true for you — like it is for me — what would you change about how you’ve designed your life?